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Remember when I say that I wanted to be a writer? This just might be my first book...

Dark Justice 101: Taking Matters at Your Own Hands for Beginners

Righteousness Starts at Home

Lesson No. 1: Sloth in the house
Should you encounter idle or laziness within the parameter of your living compound, normally caused by roommates or fellow tenants in the house, note that this is as common as houseflies. Do not panic, as it would solve nothing.

Pick one fine day when the jack-ass, I mean sloth, I mean person does his/her laundry.When he/she is about to leave the laundry to spin, you stand by for action. As he/she leaves for his/her routine dosage of never-ending beauty sleep, or MTV, or computer games, gracefully move towards the washing machine and gently drop a sum of food colorings or dye (color of your choice, but for annoyance effect, use color most offensive to the offenders) into the washings. Observe the changing color and leave quickly. Be swift and unnoticeable. Any noticeable moves might lead to dire clobbering to your head and the likes. You will suffer pain. Pay extra attention to destroy all evidence, as any leaks would lead to excruciating strangle on the neck.

Notice that your action starts to take effect when the offender screams in terrible agony and followed by the offenders several repetition of washing to obtain satisfactory cleanliness. Notice that you have successfully trigger disruption in his routine of total idleness.

Warning: Strictly no disposal of evidence in the public water supply or residential/ public swimming pool. People in your neighborhood turning into odd colored is least of the problem, for the table might turn and you become an offender, where justice might gets to you in return.

Lesson No. 2: Justice On the Move
In case of an encounter with a motorist who you might strongly believe to be an offender (e.g road bullies and Mat Rempit, especially) engaged in a serious accident involving severe injuries, first thing to do is, do not panic. Move from your vehicle and move in a bit closer to the victim. Make sure, really sure, that the victim is a confirmed 100% sure-offender. As confirmation is made, kick the lying victim on the torso just above the crotch. Nothing too fancy, Van Damme-like or anything, Just a forceful slide repeated would be sufficient.

Note that a good dark justice practitioner would be able to encourage any by-standers to join him/her in the kicking process. Notice that what we initially like to refer to as 'padan-muka' effect starting to take effect.

Again, this is an advice to all/potential dark justice practitioner. Be 100% sure that the victim IS an offender. Should the matter somehow be known otherwise (especially during the kicking process), the kicking will divert to you instead. You will eventually suffer pain.

Lesson No. 3: ‘Just’ Park Here
You might come across a vehicle parked in a very erroneous way, e.g. non-central parker, unsuitably diagonal parker, eat-my-space parker, blocking-traffic-flow parker, no-zoner parker, and the most sinister, sukati-mak-bapak-aku-nak-park-kat-mane parker.

In this calamity, you need to stay absolutely calm and approach the vehicle in a very poised manner. Bring along preferably a 2 x 4 plank, or a club, or whatever you think can do damage, towards the vehicle.

Take aim at the spot you find suitable. This would be entirely up to the dark justice practitioner/ potential practitioner, and at his own choice of damage. However, avoid glass as the shatters will cause inconvenient to other passers-by. Swing a good 110 degree, take a deep breath, smile and release to the aimed spot.

Should the owner cum parker cum offender is in the vehicle at that time, avoid any vocal interaction, as it would cause nuisance. Instead, take another good swing and aim at the head to knock them unconscious, should they initiate attack.

In the case where offender is absent, take a spray paint and spray to the windshield. This is again entirely up to the practitioner/ potential practitioner. We suggest: SPLENDID FARKING, PUCKER!

Special Warning: To all practitioners/ potential practitioners, do make sure that you are an obsolete bona fide believer of justice. Should you be found guilty of being otherwise, you will be clubbed to death and you will suffer pain.

Just a brief overiew of it, a somewhat 'trailer' of what to expect... NOT!